My need for Grace.

Happy Thursday. 
You should be able to tell by now that I definately have an Aries ascendant by the inconsistency of this blog, lol.  Seriously.

I want to write today.  I want to write about one area of my life that I need Grace more than anything.  I always have.  That area lies with my children.  It actually, is the only place in my life that I have stood up and determined my will along with Gods and often fell short in expectation  and deliverance.  I have felt more pain wrapped in joy surrounding these lives that have passed through me than in any single circumstance I have known.  No intimate broken hearts or failed relationships could compare to the physical pain felt run through my body caused by a single tear of one of these kids. 

I grew up with them.  I was ever so young at 18 having babies that we learned together just about everything.  From watching the same cartoons and liking the same fruity pebbles to music and rock concerts as they got older.  Everytime my oldest picked up a rock and looked at it for more than a few seconds I would get lost in his make believe world of amazement.  It was so easy for me to and I don't know why or how.  Then with my second son and man that baby could laugh.  It was utterly contagious and it was healing.  My whole outside world was dump.  There, that's the truth.  I had not dealt with a missing father, or being an unwanted child myself, much less knew how to function as a whole complete person.  So I circled myself off in the presence of these little spirits that could dream and love in a way I had never known.  When my last child Courtney came along, I had not attended to the outside world, not even yet.  I was still in that circle with only them.  This baby was wise and quiet and amazingly kind.  Why would I ever want to leave this space with them? 

When I say that I need Grace with them, what I'm really saying is I am incapable of feeling any other way but one way.  Which is probably extremely unhealthy and not even a therapist could heal or better this issue.  That way is only to protect.  It is only to go to battle against any and everyone who deliberately  imposes great pain upon them.  Understand that I am incapable of allowing them to hurt without feeling it in my own body.  If you physically abuse my sons, you are abusing me.  If you deliberately betray my daughter then you are betraying me.  It is not a show I watch go on in front of me, it is a duplication of the act within me and no one has that right.  I wish that I could look at motherhood differently because Lord knows my kids have needed me to, begged me to, and even gotten pretty upset with me for voicing my truth and defending them.  The truth is never what anyone wants to hear and there is no special time to say it that makes it go down any better...and unfortunately, there's always a price to pay for the truth.  

So give me Grace.  Understand that the people they are,  are directly linked to my life and heart.  Know that I've been fighting for each one in some way their whole lives and I don't see that ending ever.  Also know that if you are stripping them of their self worth, creativity and everything that makes them more, or their dreams.  It will send me into an oblivion.  I won't understand it, I won't know how to just allow it.  It is not within me to sit idly by.  No one said having children would be easy or watching them grow up a cake walk and I know that sometimes it's better to not be around then to feel such the urgency to right the wrong.  In my understanding of these things...Just give me Grace.