My need for Grace.

Happy Thursday. 
You should be able to tell by now that I definately have an Aries ascendant by the inconsistency of this blog, lol.  Seriously.

I want to write today.  I want to write about one area of my life that I need Grace more than anything.  I always have.  That area lies with my children.  It actually, is the only place in my life that I have stood up and determined my will along with Gods and often fell short in expectation  and deliverance.  I have felt more pain wrapped in joy surrounding these lives that have passed through me than in any single circumstance I have known.  No intimate broken hearts or failed relationships could compare to the physical pain felt run through my body caused by a single tear of one of these kids. 

I grew up with them.  I was ever so young at 18 having babies that we learned together just about everything.  From watching the same cartoons and liking the same fruity pebbles to music and rock concerts as they got older.  Everytime my oldest picked up a rock and looked at it for more than a few seconds I would get lost in his make believe world of amazement.  It was so easy for me to and I don't know why or how.  Then with my second son and man that baby could laugh.  It was utterly contagious and it was healing.  My whole outside world was dump.  There, that's the truth.  I had not dealt with a missing father, or being an unwanted child myself, much less knew how to function as a whole complete person.  So I circled myself off in the presence of these little spirits that could dream and love in a way I had never known.  When my last child Courtney came along, I had not attended to the outside world, not even yet.  I was still in that circle with only them.  This baby was wise and quiet and amazingly kind.  Why would I ever want to leave this space with them? 

When I say that I need Grace with them, what I'm really saying is I am incapable of feeling any other way but one way.  Which is probably extremely unhealthy and not even a therapist could heal or better this issue.  That way is only to protect.  It is only to go to battle against any and everyone who deliberately  imposes great pain upon them.  Understand that I am incapable of allowing them to hurt without feeling it in my own body.  If you physically abuse my sons, you are abusing me.  If you deliberately betray my daughter then you are betraying me.  It is not a show I watch go on in front of me, it is a duplication of the act within me and no one has that right.  I wish that I could look at motherhood differently because Lord knows my kids have needed me to, begged me to, and even gotten pretty upset with me for voicing my truth and defending them.  The truth is never what anyone wants to hear and there is no special time to say it that makes it go down any better...and unfortunately, there's always a price to pay for the truth.  

So give me Grace.  Understand that the people they are,  are directly linked to my life and heart.  Know that I've been fighting for each one in some way their whole lives and I don't see that ending ever.  Also know that if you are stripping them of their self worth, creativity and everything that makes them more, or their dreams.  It will send me into an oblivion.  I won't understand it, I won't know how to just allow it.  It is not within me to sit idly by.  No one said having children would be easy or watching them grow up a cake walk and I know that sometimes it's better to not be around then to feel such the urgency to right the wrong.  In my understanding of these things...Just give me Grace. 

15 minutes inside my head

Lord don't let him fall, you promised. 

 No sunshine again today.

  How healing comes along the way.  

Audit in two weeks, it's all ok.  

New friends and how to give.

  Charleston, SC next travel spot. 

 Charlie and the groomers, his fear.  

My brothers birthday, I'm glad he was born. 

 My sisters birthday coming up and I wish she was present more. 

 Childhood in Chatsworth, seemed to be more sunshine then.  

Getting the house ready. 

Juliet and her first boyfriend Jonathan.  

Why can't people just let things go?

  Anything you hang on to takes root.  

My future, my purpose, lots of words in my head today. 

 No boundaries, transparent.  

Need to make something beautiful.  

Wonder how cold it will be this winter.  

Ready for a life change.  

What should I have for lunch? 

 Reflexology article today, pinched my big toe and felt it in my temples, ok, I'm a believer. 

 Reiki music to help direct my will, surrounding Justin. 

 Grateful for just about everything. 

 What should I blog today?  

In my solitude I am free. 

 JCs amazing strength and determination. 

 These babies look to me for strength but It's me who wants to be just like them.

  I hear you Lord, keep talking. 

 So proud of Haley.  

What are people really made of besides what the world tells them they are?

  I need flowers for my office. 

 At least it's Friday. 

 Be brave bug, you got your whole life ahead of you. 

 She's more me than she knows. 

Hope my mama is good. 

 I would get off fb completely, but people I love need prayer.  

Where are my transits today? 

 The connectedness of everything.  

Circles.  I need a yoga class. 

 Funny joke to lighten my mood, ha ha.  

Maybe I'll see a movie to escape for a minute.

  I'm not crazy, just Mercury is dancing with me today.  

I work with some really good people.  

Why can't the ladies remember the sisterhood more? 

 I need to hold up in my kitchen and create.

  My niece Amy has no idea how often I think of her and her baby.

  Smile Tess, God loves you.  Sticky notes with hearts all over them.  

New book by Paulo Coelho is out, I need to read it.  

Where do all the days go and why can't I just measure them in moments and not days? 

He's always gonna be my baby first. 

Maybe Panera bread for lunch and help, someone get me out of my head.