I am not my own today

I wonder if God will ask me how well I heard.  How well I heard the dream that he placed within me and how hard did I really tend to it? Did I assume too often that the world was more important than his faintest whisper?

 

How many days have I wasted, condemning my own ambition because I looked around and couldn’t find one like it?  Because it seemed other worldly and different and it meant something other than main stream and my how many fears this created.  My wasted days.

 

How many others came to me with their ambition for me to light or heart exposed when my own lie in the darkness uncovered and screaming my name?

 

What was the struggle for of unearthing my purpose and grand design to only turn from it when the moment came for me to pick a road, and why did I pick another’s instead of my own?  To love God is to trust him and what if the world needs but has never seen that which he has given to me?

 

How many stories have I written, witnessed and allowed to linger near my own truth so that the black and white became the grey and without vibrancy of color my life faded into barely there?

 

When did I stop dancing or needing to or even hearing the ancient drum pulse in my veins connecting me to all that is?  Why can’t I remember that in dance was sacrifice and spirit escaping my body for that moment of magical divine ecstasy, or the pain I felt when churches denied the spirit to move and teach others to move the way love makes you move?

 

Wake up soul, wake up and remember and respond to the questioning of the divine.  Feel the star dust in your body and the connectedness of others in happiness.  Lay down the rules and the boundaries that provide a realm of disbelief that taunt your imaginings.   When the drum beats and the earth sighs and your body moves, send up this prayer in blissful gratitude, for this rhythm and this flow is sweet to taste and so much belonging.  

Insomnia

It's 4:00 a.m. and I've been up since 2:00a.m.  What does a girl do when she can't sleep?  She BLOGS!

I would leave my bedroom and go make some tea or something but there's a strong chance I would wake Charlie (my Shorkie).  He sleeps with the 12 year old most nights and has bionic ears.  Should I wake him he will be up and ready to go, his soccer ball in all. 

Instead, here I sit at my desk in the nearly dark, water bottle and PJ's, pounding on this laptop as if it will magically make my crazy make sense.  Husband is up with the crazy eye mumbling something about his back and headed for the couch.  Now he's gonna wake Charlie!  Guess I know how tomorrow will be here at my house as Sunday will become national nap day. 

So I'm free surfin tonight, a little pinterest, a little... off the wall topics that just randomly pop in my head on Google and the whole time looking for new interest, new projects and definitely cool stuff that seems to evade most every website I click on.  Google hates me or I'm just overly judgmental and seem to personify Google because don't we all know, Google is the all knowing all seeing wizard of the net world.  No matter how we tire if it, it's the "Wal-Mart", of the internet and you just keep getting sucked back in.

I was thinking of checking out some time shares and vacation type getaways that I could invest in.  Something that's local enough to not need plane fare and something far away enough, I'm not in my back yard.  Being land locked here in Tennessee is major suckage at times and I can't decide if I want a cabin near a lake or condo by the beach. Choices...  I also can't decide if I wanna color my hair my signature color "chocolate", or hit the highlights again.  Sounds like a major mid-life crisis to me!  lol.   Perhaps I should do like other Soddy Daisy ladies and just learn to shoot.  Which by the way is better than in my hometown of "Chatsworth", in which I would be taking up a spit cup or pretending to like going mudding to please an overhaul wearing, sleeve rolled up tractor driving man.  No offense of course.  Obviously I'm a rebel without a cause so I need to find one. 

I heard the rain coming down pretty hard tonight which might be what originally woke me up.  My mom either butt dialed me or called, got voice mail and forgot to hang up because I listened to her convo with my Aunt Jean for 15 minutes, amazed at their giddiness like two high-school girls over such things as where to put what.  My Aunt Jean is pretty old and she knows it so forget a filter there. I secretly love the idea of every hater I have being introduced to Aunt Jean.  It's the ultimate "putting someone in their place", cause she's amazingly accurate with the reality of bull-S- - -!  If they met her, I would seem like as harmless as puppy dog.   My mom is the quiet sneaky type who is big hearted but don't ask her a question cause your more than likely gonna get more than one opinion, and people "she aint budging!"  Gotta love the ladies in my family they are amazing!!!!! 

I'm looking over at my bed now, thinking it's completely empty and stretching out sounds amazing.  Sure hope Dre is comfy on the sofa, :)  Maybe tomorrow it won't be raining and I can actually get out and about.  Ok, I'm going now... 
xoxo  - Teresa Ann

15 minutes inside my head

Lord don't let him fall, you promised. 

 No sunshine again today.

  How healing comes along the way.  

Audit in two weeks, it's all ok.  

New friends and how to give.

  Charleston, SC next travel spot. 

 Charlie and the groomers, his fear.  

My brothers birthday, I'm glad he was born. 

 My sisters birthday coming up and I wish she was present more. 

 Childhood in Chatsworth, seemed to be more sunshine then.  

Getting the house ready. 

Juliet and her first boyfriend Jonathan.  

Why can't people just let things go?

  Anything you hang on to takes root.  

My future, my purpose, lots of words in my head today. 

 No boundaries, transparent.  

Need to make something beautiful.  

Wonder how cold it will be this winter.  

Ready for a life change.  

What should I have for lunch? 

 Reflexology article today, pinched my big toe and felt it in my temples, ok, I'm a believer. 

 Reiki music to help direct my will, surrounding Justin. 

 Grateful for just about everything. 

 What should I blog today?  

In my solitude I am free. 

 JCs amazing strength and determination. 

 These babies look to me for strength but It's me who wants to be just like them.

  I hear you Lord, keep talking. 

 So proud of Haley.  

What are people really made of besides what the world tells them they are?

  I need flowers for my office. 

 At least it's Friday. 

 Be brave bug, you got your whole life ahead of you. 

 She's more me than she knows. 

Hope my mama is good. 

 I would get off fb completely, but people I love need prayer.  

Where are my transits today? 

 The connectedness of everything.  

Circles.  I need a yoga class. 

 Funny joke to lighten my mood, ha ha.  

Maybe I'll see a movie to escape for a minute.

  I'm not crazy, just Mercury is dancing with me today.  

I work with some really good people.  

Why can't the ladies remember the sisterhood more? 

 I need to hold up in my kitchen and create.

  My niece Amy has no idea how often I think of her and her baby.

  Smile Tess, God loves you.  Sticky notes with hearts all over them.  

New book by Paulo Coelho is out, I need to read it.  

Where do all the days go and why can't I just measure them in moments and not days? 

He's always gonna be my baby first. 

Maybe Panera bread for lunch and help, someone get me out of my head.  

Free Thinking

Back at home staring out my bedroom window at all the green that while being in the desert made me miss.  Home to family crisis as we all say our goodbyes to an elder that touched everyone in so many different ways.  I'm here finding myself remembering the full circle and the so many different ways and sides I knew of my ex-mother-in-law.  I feel like I've seen and known all her sides better than most and more than some.  Yet, I cling to the love she shared with me for my child.  If not but for that alone she is my eternal friend.  

So in this solitude and gentle wind that's bending my ear today I come to thinking upon so many things.  When my children were little I would wake them up humming while cooking and put them down to bed singing.  When they were little they would hum while coloring and sing when no one was watching.

When my children were little if I made a face, they made a face.  If I laughed, they laughed.  If my countenance changed, so did theirs.  If I asked if anyone wanted cookies, then everyone wanted cookies.  If I asked who did a bad thing, or a wrong thing or just asked in general, then no one did the thing.  So I learned....

If I spoke to them of dream chasing and creating ways of catching them.  Then I should be about my own dreaming and chasing and catching.  That their eyes fall on me in whimsical blind faith and in which turns to belief inside their hearts.  

So If I dream of flying away, then somehow, my chasing will inspire them to grow their own wings.  If I refuse to stop dreaming, stop chasing then somehow they will grow themselves a relentless courage of knowing.  Knowing that what is within them has such a purpose that only catching can conclude.   So this is my prayer for them...

I pray the one thing they take from me is courage.  Courage to go, to chase, to catch.  That they hum and sing and laugh and fall and all the while show others their active dreaming.  That you Lord, give each one their own dream, a voice, that pulls, pushes and stretches all their roads and that their roads will echo you and who you are.  That even on the shadow roads nothing is truly ever taken that isn't given back in the magical, unspoken, gentle winds of faith.  May they dance when the leaves fall, when the wind blows, when the sun sinks into the night and may they hear you whisper that you belong to them.  That you created the humming, the singing, the living, the dreaming and all the roads of all things.  

I love you Lord and your promise asking my patience.  I love you for them, and this and all that is and all the catching I've yet still to do.  My children, kind, funny, hard-working, ever loving pieces of you and I Lord.  Twirling, twirling, twirling, in my heart beneath this gentle wind.  

-xoxo  Teresa Ann

Free Thinking

Well, It was a busy week last week and a packed weekend.  I literally am here like, "where did the time go?"  I haven't made my week in review or even this weeks wish list, which I will do tonight I promise!

Today I am posting more scribbled down thoughts and bits of wisdom that have crossed my mind last week.  Do with it as you will but don't hate the messenger! :)

"Sister don't hate me because I have to work in a mans world. Babies gotta eat!"

"I'm really not a feminist as the world defines it.  I love it when a man gets my door.  The world just shouldn't make a difference in pay or opportunity based on Vagina Verses Penis!"

"I firmly believe fame and fortune are based on networking skills , that's it really."

"Coming from Queen in a prior lifetime, no, I won't bow down to you Wal-mart!"

"If I have to work with a bunch of women; I only want to work with passionate, creative, eyes on the design type women, over achievers, world changers. Women that don't run to men to solve their problems but stand and make those needed changes."

"I don't want to do meetings and phone calls today.  I want to do prada and  plane tickets!"

"A man just told me that men are stupid and women are crazy.  That women are crazy because men are stupid.  Finally a smart guy! Lol."

"A week to go for vakay, I'll be lady like but there will be no ass kissing until then." 

Until the next moment my thoughts weigh more than my southern manners. 

Xoxo. -T

Free Thinking...

     A hearty good morning to everyone as I begin this week with these things stuck in my head.  First, will this whole foods diet kill me?  Oh this is not a diet per say to lose weight.  This is just a whole foods diet to help my body absorb some nutrients.  I promised myself I could do one week of nothing but whole foods, no cooking oils and no unnatural sugars or fats.  Well, I blew it this morning with my Hardee’s biscuit, but you get the idea.  Starting over…now.  
     
     Another thing on my mind is will I survive my internal audit at work this week?   Am I taking good enough care of my shorkie? Not necessarily in that order.  Actually, my sweet little Charlie is always first on my mind.  I haven’t decided yet if having a dog is helping my stress or causing me more since I think about and worry for the little fellow more than I do my own children.  This compelling sense that I’m all he’s got on this earth and I better do a good job with his little life cause the good Lord is watching.  I lean more toward the good of this tug of war in my mind because I could never give up his kisses, his cuddly fur, his quirky little character flaws that nobody seems to get but me sometimes.  So, as you can see he occupies a huge piece of my everyday thought…and the world assumed I was spending my time taking out my enemies and world dominion.  ha!
    
      I also recognize over the past few days, weeks, months or so, the thought of remaining in the great state of Tennessee spreads a layer of thick boredom and certain death over my entire being.  Oh I know that raise is coming and that job I’ve been dying for that will provide a certain comfort which at 43 I should seriously consider.  I mean it’s not like I haven’t always seen the “what I should do”, verses what “I want to do”,  always choosing the latter.  Something happened to me these past ten years, snuck up on me and now I’m like wtf?  I find myself doing more of what I should and less of what I want.  It’s given me great approach and acceptance from others that I’ve never had in my life but I look around searching for myself and honestly, I’m no where to be found.  There are some of us  who were just born to rock the boat.  
    
      I’m thinking about my trip at the end of this month to Arizona and somewhere beneath the layers of my psyche wonder if I can get rid of all my possessions by time to go and when I get there, say “surprise."  "I’m not going back."   I mean they do it in the movies all the time right?  A knowing arises that I don’t think my husband, or anyone, would really be that surprised if I did.  So, in the completion of this mental warp,  I’m wondering what exactly got me stuck and what exactly do I need to get me going again?  Well, no matter the cause or cure, at least I hear the call of an old familiar friend whispering in my hear, “hurry up, life is waiting!"