A page from my journal

A page taken from my journal some time ago... We often digress in life if but for moment and are left to wander in our thoughts/ dreams....  Not everyday can be ice-cream.  xoxo!

     Sometimes I feel like I am headed off into the abyss.  For all my life God has allowed me the saints patronage, one of safety and protection with vision to see him in my life and to feel his love all about me.   Now the time has come for me to know the dark of man.  To experience it and live it.

     As I know the journey among the shadow commences, I fear if I linger there too long on the shadow road---that it will swallow me and I shall not return to the light from which I came;  as if I am cast off from God to experience this dark of him.

     I am reminded of the dreams that haunted me for months.  Some sort of preparation to this choice that God my father seems persistent on me choosing.  If I return damaged and with blurry vision for the right things then know that I love the souls I led here more than air, food or any other thing in my existence.  May they be the soul tie that rescues me from this nothingness place where I can see no light. 

     Each day bares on my will to seduce and test and surrender to the desires of flesh, of want and to look upon the very things my bible foretold in warning.  I am drawn to every bad thing and escapism lures me like a gentle fog eluding to my hearts safety.  Has God released his hand from me?  I pray not.  I pray that if it is my duty to travel down these roads for experience or needed soul knowledge, that he be there with me, watching...helping...supplying his saving/ sustaining grace.  

     I fear I will lose more than I can bare.  Yet not walking forward into this leaves me alone and without on a deeper more fearful plane.  

     Life was supposed to be beautiful and full of enchanting dreams.  Yet it seems Gods plan for me is to cross the river of the forsaken as one of them and no longer as one at the mercy of them.  Will I lose myself to madness?  Will I gladly float to it's safe haven?  Is this God's plan for me or Satan's?  Which at this moment do I desire more?  

     Speak up my soul -- please speak up and do not cower beneath the unknown.  Perhaps if I cannot live in the light, in my rebellion will provide a home.  

-T